


If I Had Known Then...

by Grace_28 (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Grace_28
Summary: Basically Dean questioning what would happen if he never took Sam away from Jess and Castiel trying to reassure him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 27





	If I Had Known Then...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! I was just experimenting with these sort stories. Let me know if you like it! Or if you want to see another one of these!

I was sure that if I had known then what I know now, then I never would have dragged Sam’s ass back into all of this. I never would have asked him to come help me find dad. I never would have asked him to lose his only chance at a full ride. I never would have made him lose the love of his life.

I figured that, at least, we wouldn’t have had to face the yellow-eyes demon. Nor would we have had to deal with those angel douchebags. Or the leviathans. Or the British dicks of. Or Amara or, hell, _God._

I figured that if I hadn’t jump-started the apocalypse from the very beginning of it all, the other people in our lives wouldn’t be dead or in the hospital. It was depressing how all the people that the Winchesters ever loved… they were dead. And had come back, just to die again.

Nobody we love would be dead. Not Jess, not Charlie, not Benny, not Rowena, not even the damn angel sitting across from me in the kitchen right now.

Despite my failures and being the reason for his fall, Cas has never once blamed me. He swore that he _chose_ to fall. Yeah, well, try to pull that crap to your old superiors. They're all smart enough to blame me. He also said that he chose to fall in love with humanity, that he was happy that he lost the brothers and sisters he’d accompanied for a _millennia_. 

… 

Sammy and I have only known him for twelve _years_.

We don't have anything on a millennia.

And he had fallen during that short span of time— so how was it not my fault that Cas had lost his family?

I was the one who pushed him to disobey Zachariah during the apocalypse. I was the one who begged him to come back to them when Naomi was being a bitch. And I was the one who tried to talk him out of going back home to Heaven.

Sadly, when I told Cas about my thoughts, he didn’t react the way I expected. He hugged me tightly and whispered loving words in my ear until he was able to “sense” with his angel mojo that I was okay. Whatever that meant. And when I asked him if he thought that things would have changed if I didn’t come at Sam, he disagreed.

 _“Heaven would have ensured that Sam had become Lucifer’s vessel”_ was what he said exactly.

Upon hearing his words, I was devastated. But at the same time, I was sure that Cas would have changed something— hell, maybe change _everything_. 

However, when I asked, he claimed that he wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. 

With all the sadness and grief and _crap_ that we had to pull ourselves through, I couldn’t imagine why.

Everyone we meet die. Everyone who we ever loved... they'd been tortured in our name. Everyone, including himself. Cas had to go through so much crap to pull me out of Hell, and instead of being rewarded by his courage, he was murdered for fighting on humanity’s side. Not to mention the fact that he had to kill his own _son_. Well, not biologically, but emotionally. 

How could Cas possibly pass up the opportunity to do something different?

I wondered about it for many weeks. I turned and tossed the subject around in my mind. In my opinion, there wasn’t a single reason why Cas wouldn’t want to change anything. It didn’t make sense to me.

So why… why would Cas not want to turn back time and make everything _right_?

Now, giving up on the hope to find a logical reason on my own, I ask him: “Why wouldn’t you change anything?”

Putting his honey bee mug down, Cas smiles at me softly and laces our fingers together across the table. Unconsciously, I relax into his touch and meet his gaze from across the kitchen. “Because if I did, we wouldn’t be here together.”

And now… now I think that I wouldn’t change a thing either.

... 

Damn it, Cas.


End file.
